A great way to cool off on a hot summer day.
Everyone, lend me your ears.
It’s about time we all sat down and talked about films and what to expect from them. Especially when you’re watching one from an established writer/director. What I’m about to say may shock and disturb some of you, but dammit, it needs to be said.
When you saw the poster/trailer/any ads for Eli Roth’s Ice Cream Man did you think this was going to be Lawrence of Arabia of horror?
Ari Millen as the Ice Cream Man. Now serving delicious DEATH.
I’m asking an honest question here. All the hate I’ve seen for his movie is stupid. Way back in 2002 with Roth’s big screen debut Cabin Fever, he established himself as a horror filmmaker with a camp twist. As his movies progressed, he dabbled in acting (I’m assuming to save on money) but his movies all stayed around the same block. Let’s not speak of the horrendous Knock, Knock. I’ll spare him that.
Yeah, I know: This is a bit of a surprise.
After seeing Ice Cream Man, which is not a remake of the 1995 Clint Howard straight-to-video classic, I, too, thought I was going to experience George Stevens-like filmmaking. In case you can’t tell, I’m being sarcastic. Yes, this movie gave off all the vibes of a goofy horror flick that was expected to be gross, violent and silly. There’s no plot to get in the way of the movie and that’s the way I like it.
Jared (Charlie Zeltser, voice of Percy from Thomas and Friends) is a skinny dork that may never get the girl. Fresh off of losing a baseball game, the opposing team’s manager buys his team ice cream from the silent but friendly Ice Cream Man (Ari Millen, Vicious Fun, but most would know his work on Orphan Black). Jared, as a joke for losing the game, is offered some ice cream, but he is lactose intolerant. So some of the delicious frozen treats on a hot summer afternoon would cause more damage than good. Big sis Lizzie (Sarah Abbott) smacks the cone out of Jared’s hands before he can take a bite. That night at family dinner with Eli “Pops” Roth and Alison (Karen Cliche, who’s a regular in the horror world), we discover they have a normal healthy family life.
While all the adults are sleeping, kids who ate the ice cream brutally murder their parents. Jared goes to school and notices no one is really there. Maybe it’s the last week of school feelings or maybe it’s the HAUNTED ICE CREAM. The only other two kids in the school who didn’t eat the dessert are Jared’s crush Mia (Kiori Mirza Waldman), and too-cool-for-school Tommy (Shiloh O’Reilly). Bodies are piling up all around them and homework is still due. What will they ever do?!?!
The kids devour the goods and KILL KILL!
Now, look: I would be lying if I said this movie had a kick ass story. But that’s the beauty of Roth: He isn’t trying to. He’s giving the audience what they asked for: Violence and gore! And he doesn’t hold back. I really don’t know what else to say other than that.
There’s plenty of gross effects and fun dialogue. The movie knows exactly what it is: A tasty, fattening, high calorie flick with no nutritional value. To repeat myself: What were you expecting? I knew what I was walking into and I left very satisfied, with sprinkles on top.
Eli Roth should take on The Dentist after all the cavities from Ice Cream Man.
If you see this photo and think the movie is going to be silly violent fun, then I dunno what to tell you.
Ice Cream Man is now playing in theaters
Directed by Eli Roth
Written by Eli Roth, Noah Belson
Starring: Charlie Zeltser, Kiori Mirza Waldman, Shiloh O’Reilly
Genre: Horror, Comedy
Runtime: 86 mins
Classic American Movies 
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